Without trust, a marriage is nothing.
This may be one of the hardest posts for me to write, because I know I'll be admitting to something that I've never wanted to!
I've mentioned in previous posts that I had been married before I married Barb Wire Man. I married young...I was 18 and he was a Marine. I was crazy in love with the boy at the time. I hadn't ever lived on my own. I grew up around incredibly Godly parents, and their Godly friends. I only knew one person who had ever been divorced, and all my friends were wonderful, trustworthy people. The truth was, I lived an incredibly sheltered life. I'd never been betrayed or seriously emotionally hurt by anyone, because everyone I knew was raised that it was not okay to do that to a person! I truly believed that everyone lived life like that!
To make a very long story short, I married very young, at 18, to a Marine whom I was madly in love with at the time. He had plans of going to seminary one he was out of the military. About 10 months after we were married, I found out I was pregnant with out first child. I also found out he had been having an ongoing affair with an woman he worked with, and it was not his first affair.
I was shocked. I was hurt. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I was angry...no, furious. I was devastated. I was forever changed.
It was at that moment I chose to trust no one. There is, after all, only one man a girl can trust, and that is her daddy! (Well, in my case 3, daddy, pa, and pawpaw!)
Then, I met my husband, Barb Wire Man. Aside from the three aforementioned men, I've never met a man more honest. Because he always shot straight with me, I tried to make sure I was a trusting, un-jealous wife. When he went out with the boys, I shoved any un-trusting feelings down so deep, even I didn't realize I felt them. For 9 years, it worked great! Now, the trust I have in my husband was not ruined, far from it, but it did take a little jolt.
There are two things, though that I noticed about myself recently.
First, I realized that while at one time I trusted no one, I was beginning to trust people again. Not just saying that I trusted people, but actually trusted them. And I also realized that I really do not want to trust people. I hate that I feel that way! After 30 years of being on this planet, I've learned to not trust people, and those who I do are met with a very guarded, cautious trust.
Secondly, I realized I am a very, very jealous person. I really don't like that, either. I've always tried to shove any form of jealousy down very deep, because I never wanted to be a jealous person, Jealous women annoy me! But I was forced to admit that when it comes to a few things, like my husband, I am very jealous!
For our marriage to be healthy, I have to learn to work past these things. So far, the only thing I can do is pray about it! I don't want to be a guarded person, and I do not want to be a jealous person. Do you struggle with trust issues?
Be blessed today!
