Friday, July 26, 2013

Trust

Trust.  It is such a small word, but one of the greatest.

Without trust, a marriage is nothing.

This may be one of the hardest posts for me to write, because I know I'll be admitting to something that I've never wanted to!

I've mentioned in previous posts that I had been married before I married Barb Wire Man.  I married young...I was 18 and he was a Marine.  I was crazy in love with the boy at the time.  I hadn't ever lived on my own.  I grew up around incredibly Godly parents, and their Godly friends.  I only knew one person who had ever been divorced, and all my friends were wonderful, trustworthy people.  The truth was, I lived an incredibly sheltered life.  I'd never been betrayed or seriously emotionally hurt by anyone, because everyone I knew was raised that it was not okay to do that to a person!  I truly believed that everyone lived life like that!

To make a very long story short, I married very young, at 18, to a Marine whom I was madly in love with at the time.  He had plans of going to seminary one he was out of the military.  About 10 months after we were married, I found out I was pregnant with out first child.  I also found out he had been having an ongoing affair with an woman he worked with, and it was not his first affair.

I was shocked.  I was hurt.  I was ashamed.  I was embarrassed.  I was angry...no, furious.  I was devastated.  I was forever changed.

It was at that moment I chose  to trust no one.  There is, after all, only one man a girl can trust, and that is her daddy!  (Well, in my case 3, daddy, pa, and pawpaw!)

Then, I met my husband, Barb Wire Man.  Aside from the three aforementioned men, I've never met a man more honest.  Because he always shot straight with me, I tried to make sure I was a trusting, un-jealous wife.  When he went out with the boys, I shoved any un-trusting feelings down so deep, even I didn't realize I felt them.  For 9 years, it worked great!  Now, the trust I have in my husband was not ruined, far from it, but it did take a little jolt.

There are two things, though that I noticed about myself recently.

First, I realized that while at one time I trusted no one, I was beginning to trust people again.  Not just saying that I trusted people, but actually trusted them.  And I also realized that I really do not want to trust people.  I hate that I feel that way!  After 30 years of being on this planet, I've learned to not trust people, and those who I do are met with a very guarded, cautious trust.

Secondly, I realized I am a very, very jealous person.  I really don't like that, either.  I've always tried to shove any form of jealousy down very deep, because I never wanted to be a jealous person,  Jealous women annoy me!  But I was forced to admit that when it comes to a few things, like my husband, I am very jealous!

For our marriage to be healthy, I have to learn to work past these things.  So far, the only thing I can do is pray about it!  I don't want to be a guarded person, and I do not want to be a jealous person.  Do you struggle with trust issues?

Be blessed today!

67 comments:

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    I'll keep you in my prayers about this. You'll overcometgis, I know it!

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